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Basil Henriques
Lokahi
United Kingdom
225 Posts |
 Posted - 02/21/2008 : 1:25:55 PM
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To the citizens of the United States of America:
(With the exception of residents in the territories know formally as the "Sandwich Islands")
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately..
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
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FROPPE
Akahai
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 2:40:13 PM
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You'll not get one BLOODY penny out of me until you also address the proper spelling of "whisky", along with the acceptable method of enjoying a wee dram of a fine single malt.
Also, I must insist that scones be included at tea time, and only be enjoyed with a bit of Devonshire cream.
Finally, since all four of my great-grandfathers left their homes to defend our homeland from the northern marauders during the 1860s War of Northern Aggression, I must ask that you refrain from summarily referring all who reside in this part of the world as "yanks". That term is very offensive to those of us of a Southern persuasion, and its use could result in a retaliatory series of comments toward your "people", with derogatory references to the old sailing days and citrus remedies for scurvy.
Beyond that, could you please do something immediately about the traffic problems that are being caused in Austin in anticipation of tonight's argument between what's-his-name and what's-her-name? Would you please tell them that you have a solution worked out, and for them to just go home?
By the bye, nice playing on Maria Elena. Please have the camera person include more footage of the star of the show in future broadcasts!
Ben Sterling (They made us change the spelling after the Battle of Dunbar in 1650!)
Austin, Texas |
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markwitz
`Olu`olu
USA
841 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 2:48:41 PM
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Since I live in Baja Norte (California) Elizabeth has no jurisdiction over me.
Buenos tardes.
I see you are feeling very feisty today Basil, must have gotten some feedback from the great Hawaiian Steel Guitar you play. |
"The music of the Hawaiians, the most fascinating in the world, is still in my ears and
haunts me sleeping and waking."
Mark Twain |
Edited by - markwitz on 02/21/2008 2:53:28 PM |
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ypochris
Lokahi
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 2:50:41 PM
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Acceptable, with the revocation of number 15. Also, we insist on Webster's dictionary, as it predates the Oxford dictionary and therefor has precedence. In addition, we expect to be covered under your health care plan.
All of this is void, of course, if we elect Obama to the presidency, thus proving that we have more common sense than a country that would re-elect a party that is just a pawn of Mr. Bush, even if you eventually got rid of Mr. Blair.
Note that we in fact never did elect Mr. Bush as president; the election was provably stolen once in Florida and once in Ohio. However our accceptance of this travesty does in fact indicate that we are unfit to live in a democracy.
Chris
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Lawrence
Ha`aha`a
USA
1597 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 3:02:05 PM
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quote:
By the bye, nice playing on Maria Elena.
Yes, quite.
Reminds me a bit of Ry Cooders version which is one of my favourite instrumentals from Ry (along with Available Space), I just love the colours in that tune.
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Mahope Kākou...
...El Lorenzo de Ondas Sonoras |
Edited by - Lawrence on 02/21/2008 3:04:12 PM |
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bbenzel
Lokahi
USA
130 Posts |
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Retro
Ahonui
USA
2368 Posts |
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Lawrence
Ha`aha`a
USA
1597 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 3:34:21 PM
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With all the discussions here about plagiarism, I'm surprised you would post this, Basil, and allow people to assume you were the author.
Yes, many of us have seen this before and I, for one, would not have assumed Basil was the author in any case, although it looks like he may have "customized" it a little for the occasion, thereby making it funnier (and apropos).
And, since the original authorship of the extended version is under considerable doubt, it would be pretty hard to list the source, wouldn't it?
There are many other jokes that have been posted here on Taropatch that have not had the original authors credited either.
For instance, who is the original author of "a horse walks into a bar"?
Your are being a bit silly... Retro!
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Mahope Kākou...
...El Lorenzo de Ondas Sonoras |
Edited by - Lawrence on 02/21/2008 3:47:21 PM |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 4:02:24 PM
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| The grassy knoll theory rears its ugly head once again. Oswald acted alone. By himself. With no help. |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 4:04:24 PM
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| And besides which, aluminium ain't right. Its aluminum. I bet you say nook-you-lehr instead of nook-lee-ehr. |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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Basil Henriques
Lokahi
United Kingdom
225 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 4:53:03 PM
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I couldn't take credit for authoring that piece even 'though it MAY have been perpetrated by the team that included Basil Faulty..(John Cleese)
Thanks for the kudos re Maria Elena, my favourite (Note UK spelling) 'Party Piece' other than Tico Tico
Now, here's a strange one quote:
And besides which, aluminium ain't right
How did AIN'T become the accepted abbreviation of "is not," or isn't it ? Am I not right ?
(edited to remove the spinning thingy) |
Edited by - Basil Henriques on 02/21/2008 5:04:49 PM |
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Basil Henriques
Lokahi
United Kingdom
225 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 5:03:43 PM
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I did find the link to this retort to be quite amusing :-
SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome. |
Edited by - Basil Henriques on 02/21/2008 5:04:07 PM |
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Reid
Ha`aha`a
Andorra
1526 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 5:07:01 PM
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What? You mean Meg Ryan did NOT report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber? And Daphne was Mancunian? I thought she was just flat chested.
...Reid |
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ypochris
Lokahi
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 5:58:31 PM
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"...we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic."
Where do people get this tripe? Haven't they ever heard of Switzerland? It's been a democratic republic since before Columbus followed a map to the "new world".
Chris
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ypochris
Lokahi
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 6:06:53 PM
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Oh yes, and I meant to mention that my ancestors still ruled the independent nations to the west of the 13 easternmost states during the period England claimed the stolen eastern seaboard, except the southwest which was enslaved by Spain. So it is not only the Sandwich Islands England has no claim whatsoever to...
Chris
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Retro
Ahonui
USA
2368 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2008 : 6:55:39 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Lawrence
Your are being a bit silly... Retro!
Silly? I guess I don't like seeing TP cluttered up with widely-circulated internet effluent, like so many other sites. It's like having a friend who keeps filling up your e-mailbox with old jokes, chain letters and other spam that they just discovered, even though you saw it five years ago, and several times already.
My suggestion: if you find something like this "out there," and you want to share it --- do us a favor, give us a link and let us decide if we want to investigate further. Basic internet etiquette. |
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