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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
 Posted - 11/25/2007 : 02:18:00 AM
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Here are some of my favorites:
Patient says: Doctor, doctor, my throat is sore.
Doctor: Come over to the window and stick your tongue out.
Patient: Will that cure my throat?
Doctor: No, but it will show my neighbors how much I hate them.
What did the chocolate bar say to the lollypop?
"Hello suckah!"
A farmer is milking his cow, and then suddenly a fly buzzes into the cow's ear. Then the farmer notices a fly in the milk and says, "In one ear, out da utta!"
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you knew how to yodel!
How does Santa sing his ABC's?
A b c d e f g,
H i j k m n o p,
Q r s,
T u v,
W, x,
Y and z,
Noel, noel, noel, noel.
If an athlete has athlete's foot, what does an astronaut have?
Missile toe!
A northerner walks into a bar in Georgia the week before Christmas, and sees a manger scene on the back bar. He goes up to the bar tender and says, "That's a nice manger scene, but how come the three wise men are wearing fireman's hats?" And the bar tender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible: The three wise men came from a far!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He does this day after day, until finally the bar tender tells him, "You know, I can put all those into one glass for you if you want."
"No thank you," the guy says. "When I do it this way, I feel like my brothers and I are all here having a drink together."
He does this a little while longer, and then one day he comes in and says, "Give me two glasses today."
"Did something happen?" the bar tender asks.
"No," the guy says. "My brothers are okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."
And for you limerick lovers...
On the chest of a bar maid at Yale,
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille!
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He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
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Karl Monetti
`Olu`olu
USA
756 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2007 : 6:42:23 PM
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AHA! Another Prairie Home Companion listener!
Best source of jokes I've come across, too.
The limericks i know are all from rugby parties, thus unrepeatable in a public forum.
A doctor stops in at the local tavern every Friday evening on the way home from work. He has only one drink, an almond daquiri, that his buddy the bartender has waiting for him as he walks in the door. ONe day the barkeep, whose name is Dick, realizes just before the doctor is due to come in that he is all out of almonds!!! He digs around and finds a small bag of hickory nuts and decides to use one of them instead, hoping the doc won't notice the diff.
The doctor comes in; the daquiri is in its customary place on the bar. The doctor takes off his coat and sits down, puts the glass to his nose for a sniff, and gives a small sign of interest...he takes a sip....rolls it around in his mouth a second, smiles, has another sip followed by another sniff. All the while the bartender is watching from the other end of the bar, hoping all is well. Finally the doctor asks, "Is this an almond daquiri Dick?" The bartender says, "No, that's a hickory daquiri Doc." |
Karl
Frozen North |
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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 01:36:19 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Karl Monetti
AHA! Another Prairie Home Companion listener!
Best source of jokes I've come across, too.
The limericks i know are all from rugby parties, thus unrepeatable in a public forum.
A doctor stops in at the local tavern every Friday evening on the way home from work. He has only one drink, an almond daquiri, that his buddy the bartender has waiting for him as he walks in the door. ONe day the barkeep, whose name is Dick, realizes just before the doctor is due to come in that he is all out of almonds!!! He digs around and finds a small bag of hickory nuts and decides to use one of them instead, hoping the doc won't notice the diff.
The doctor comes in; the daquiri is in its customary place on the bar. The doctor takes off his coat and sits down, puts the glass to his nose for a sniff, and gives a small sign of interest...he takes a sip....rolls it around in his mouth a second, smiles, has another sip followed by another sniff. All the while the bartender is watching from the other end of the bar, hoping all is well. Finally the doctor asks, "Is this an almond daquiri Dick?" The bartender says, "No, that's a hickory daquiri Doc."
Heard it.
So you listen to it too, have you heard this one?
A doctor, engeneer, and lawyer are discussing which of the three professions was the oldest one. The doctor starts it off by saying, "Well, on the fifth day of creation, God took a rib out of Adam's side, so He was a surgeon."
The engeneer says, "Yes, but long before that, God created the world out of chaos, so He was an engeneer."
The lawyer says, "Yes, but who created the chaos?" |
He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
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thumbstruck
Ahonui
USA
2168 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 04:55:33 AM
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| Save the North Dakota quarters, as they are being recalled. The quarters, designed by Norwegians in ND, keep getting stuck in vending machines. The duct tape holding the 2 dimes and the nickel together comes loose after use. |
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Trev
Lokahi
United Kingdom
265 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 07:06:08 AM
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A feller from Texas for some reason is visiting Yorkshire (in the North of England where I live). He’s driving round the beautiful hills and dales, looking at the drystone walls etc. when he sees a local shepherd leaning on a gate. He stops and greets him. “Excuse me” he says. “are you a farmer?” “Aye, lad, that I am” the farmer replies. “And do you own your own farm?” the Texan continues. “Aye, I do. It’s just here as a matter of fact.” So the Texan asks “And how much land do you own?”
“Well” says the farmer, “you see that drystone wall over yonder? Well from there, all the way down to the bottom of the field where that river is, and from this gate here, over to where that hedge is. That’s all mine.
The Texan draws himself up a little and says “Well you know, I have a farm back in Texas. I can get up at dawn, get into my car, start driving and by noon I still haven’t reached the other side!”
The Yorkshireman shook his head and gave the Texan a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “I know what you mean, son” he says “I used to have a car like that myself!”
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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 4:21:50 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Trev
A feller from Texas for some reason is visiting Yorkshire (in the North of England where I live). He’s driving round the beautiful hills and dales, looking at the drystone walls etc. when he sees a local shepherd leaning on a gate. He stops and greets him. “Excuse me” he says. “are you a farmer?” “Aye, lad, that I am” the farmer replies. “And do you own your own farm?” the Texan continues. “Aye, I do. It’s just here as a matter of fact.” So the Texan asks “And how much land do you own?”
“Well” says the farmer, “you see that drystone wall over yonder? Well from there, all the way down to the bottom of the field where that river is, and from this gate here, over to where that hedge is. That’s all mine.
The Texan draws himself up a little and says “Well you know, I have a farm back in Texas. I can get up at dawn, get into my car, start driving and by noon I still haven’t reached the other side!”
The Yorkshireman shook his head and gave the Texan a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “I know what you mean, son” he says “I used to have a car like that myself!”
Hahahahahahahaha! Never heard that one before. Mahalo for sharing! That's another one I'll add to my collection! |
He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 4:25:24 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by thumbstruck
Save the North Dakota quarters, as they are being recalled. The quarters, designed by Norwegians in ND, keep getting stuck in vending machines. The duct tape holding the 2 dimes and the nickel together comes loose after use.
And that one was good too. |
He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 4:26:41 PM
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Oo, I just thought of another one I like.
Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
Because she had three people giving her directions! |
He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
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keneke ka
Akahai
USA
75 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 5:28:43 PM
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Q : What is the difference between a Carp and a Lawyer ?
A ; One is a slimy ,foul smelling , bottom dwelling scumsucker
and the other one is a fish..... |
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GUke
Lokahi
188 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 7:28:46 PM
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Just heard this today:
So an egg and a chicken decided to "do it". Afterwards in bed the chicken pulls out a cigarette and says to the egg " Well, now we know the answer". |
Genaro
Should I? Itʻs only $, and where Iʻm going itʻll burn or melt. |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 11:36:50 PM
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| Why was the Amish prostitute always so tired? Too many Men a Night (Mennonite). |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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Lawrence
Ha`aha`a
USA
1597 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2007 : 07:36:18 AM
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Well.... Since we hit on Lawyer jokes...
Did you know why they are now using lawyers instead of rats for scientific experiments?
Because:
1) There are many more lawyers than there are rats.
2) There is no danger of forming any attachment to the lawyers.
3) There are certain things that even rats won't do.
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Mahope Kākou...
...El Lorenzo de Ondas Sonoras |
Edited by - Lawrence on 11/27/2007 07:37:22 AM |
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alika207
Ha`aha`a
USA
1260 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2007 : 11:05:06 AM
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Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
Why did the fungi leave the party?
'Cause there wasn't mush-room!
Person A: So we went to this wonderful restaurant the other day, and I can't remember the name of it! What's the name of that flower with sharp thorns that can be red, white, or pink?
Person B: Rose?
Person A: Yeah! Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant? |
He kehau ho'oma'ema'e ke aloha.
'Alika / Polinahe |
Edited by - alika207 on 11/27/2007 11:06:02 AM |
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bbenzel
Lokahi
USA
130 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2007 : 1:26:34 PM
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Three guys walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What's this? Some kind of joke?"
A horse walks into a bar and takes a seat -- the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
An average woman walks into a bar and sits down. She hears a voice say "Wow, you really look good tonight." She thinks little of it, then a little later she hears "Hey, you look great in that dress." She looks around and sees nobody nearby. so she mentions it to the bartender who looks at her and says, "Oh, that's just the nuts. They're complimentary."
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Lawrence
Ha`aha`a
USA
1597 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2007 : 1:51:13 PM
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But we should have some Musician jokes too...
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Q) What does it mean when the lead guitarist drools from both sides of his mouth?...
A) ...The stage is level.
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Q) What do you get when combine a Banjo, an Accordion and a Bagpipe?...
A) ....Seven years to Life.
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Q) How do you know when the fiddle player is playing in tune?...
A) ...They put down the bow.
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and of course, we all know the A-Flat-Miner one
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Mahope Kākou...
...El Lorenzo de Ondas Sonoras |
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markwitz
`Olu`olu
USA
841 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2007 : 5:39:47 PM
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Along the vein of musician jokes....
What has 3 Teeth and an I.Q. of 50?
The front row at a Mearle Haggard concert. |
"The music of the Hawaiians, the most fascinating in the world, is still in my ears and
haunts me sleeping and waking."
Mark Twain |
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