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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
 Posted - 03/12/2010 : 11:56:18 AM
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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied,
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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Evidence has been found that William Tell
and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire and so we'll never know...
For whom the Tells bowled.
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A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down...
You'll just have to be a little patient."
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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression...
"He who has-a-Tate's is lost!"
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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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Waibaddayu
Aloha
USA
21 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 12:51:16 PM
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Ho! You crack me up Auntie! I get one fo you!
One Popolo man went to his docta fo get one vasectomy, and wuz dress up in one tuxedo. Da docta wen tell him "Eh! Why you dress up in one tux?" Da popolo man wen tell him "If I going BE impotent, I going LOOK impotent!" |
No worry! Can!
Place your name. Kau Inoa. |
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FROPPE
Akahai
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 4:23:55 PM
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A guy goes to see his shrink. As he walks into the doc's office, he keeps yelling: "Help me! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"
The doctor says: "Settle down, my friend. Relax. You're just two tents." |
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thumbstruck
Ahonui
USA
2176 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 11:37:43 PM
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| Retro, wea you stay? |
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Trev
Lokahi
United Kingdom
265 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 12:24:41 AM
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Apparently a true story. If it isn't it certainly ought to be. Large Scottish football team Glasgow Celtic were once beaten by the much smaller club from Inverness, Caledonian Thistle.
The sports writer was touched by the hand of genius on that day and penned the headline "Super Cally go Ballistic, Celtic are atrocious!" |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 02:23:21 AM
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| Ho, Trev. Way good, way good. |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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keonepax
Aloha
Japan
32 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 04:21:53 AM
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The American ambassador and his wife were entertaining the Russian ambassador named Rudolf one day, when suddenly precipitation started falling outside. "It looks like sleet," said the wife. Rudolf said, "No, it's just rain, madam." The American ambassador said, "Hmm, I'll have to agree with Ambassador Rudolf." Later on, the annoyed wife asked her husband why he had agreed with the Russian ambassador. "Because," he said...
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!" |
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Retro
Ahonui
USA
2368 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 4:59:31 PM
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| ...ah, yes, the Russian ambassador. I believe it was his oldest boy (raised in the Soviet system) who ended up moving to America, striking it rich and joining a yacht club. There was even a song written about it: "Red Son in the Sail Set." |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 10:01:55 PM
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| Groan...... |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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Earl
`Olu`olu
USA
533 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2010 : 12:11:04 PM
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That letter is silent, just like the letter "F" in the word "weigh".
There's no F in weigh.... |
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slipry1
Ha`aha`a
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2010 : 4:07:10 PM
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| So once there was a jester who loved puns; made 'em all the time. The king finally got fed up and threatend to hang him if he told one more pun. He did, but as he stood on the scaffold, the king relented and asked him how he felt. He said "No noose is good news".. They hung him. |
keaka |
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Mark
Ha`aha`a
USA
1628 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 07:36:11 AM
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I heard this from the man himself...
Roy Rogers was once given an exquisite pair of hand-tooled ostrich hide cowboy boots as a gift. They felt so good, he never wanted to take 'em off.
On night, after riding fence on his ranch, he found himself miles from the ranch house with night coming on. Like any good cowboy, he ground-tethered Trigger, pulled off his saddle and wrapped himself in his bedroll for the night. Of course, he used his boots for a pillow.
He must have slept better 'n usual, cuz the next morning the boots were gone. It was obvious what happened--all around the camp site he could see tracks of the largest cougar in the country, a real outlaw with a $50 bounty on its head.
He followed the tracks into the high country. Near a cave he spotted his boots, much the worse for wear from the cougars huge teeth. The cougar glared at him from a dead tree, coiled up, and sprang. One shot ended that story.
He tied the cougar across his saddle, donned the battered boots, and rode into town to claim the bounty.
As he passed the undertakers, a man came up to greet him and said,
"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" |
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rendesvous1840
Ha`aha`a
USA
1055 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 08:10:44 AM
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Mark, I had forgotten that one. Was a good joke all over again. And one of my early heroes, too boot!
Paul |
"A master banjo player isn't the person who can pick the most notes.It's the person who can touch the most hearts." Patrick Costello |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 08:56:26 AM
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| Groan. |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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Hookani
Lokahi
232 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 09:16:52 AM
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| Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. |
Ke Kani Nahe
YouTube
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 10:33:51 AM
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Hoh, Derek, that was a major groaner.
Here are sammoa we get from Paul's cousin Barbara:
1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam.”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open Foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little which made him frail. With his odd diet he suffered from
bad breath. This made him (this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went
out that There was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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I love Puns -- real groaners
