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Mark
Ha`aha`a
USA
1628 Posts |
 Posted - 03/19/2010 : 11:22:00 AM
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and sets a paper bag on the counter.
The bartender says, "What's with the bag?"
Silently, the man pulls out a tiny piano and piano stool. He sets it on the bar. Then he reaches into his pocket; a tiny man climbs onto his palm. The little man sits at the piano and begins to play... Bach, Rachmaninoff, Duke, Fats... the guy can play it all.
The bartender is amazed. "How did you come to posses such a wonder?" he asks.
The man sighs, "It's a long story... I found this old lamp at a junk store. Just like the story, when I rubbed the lamp a huge cloud of smoke poured out, followed by an enormous man dressed like something out of the Arabian Nights."
"And he gave you three wishes?"
"No, only the one, more's the pity. I wish I'd never met the tricky bastid."
The bartender is surprised. "How can you feel so ungrateful when you have the ticket to fame and riches right in your hand? Surely every TV show in the world will want to book your act."
"What??" said the man; "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???" |
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rendesvous1840
Ha`aha`a
USA
1055 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 6:18:50 PM
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Guy shoulda ate more raw fish!
Unko Paul |
"A master banjo player isn't the person who can pick the most notes.It's the person who can touch the most hearts." Patrick Costello |
Edited by - rendesvous1840 on 03/19/2010 6:20:09 PM |
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rendesvous1840
Ha`aha`a
USA
1055 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 6:21:44 PM
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This banjo player walked into a bar. But the rest of the band ducked.
Unko Paul |
"A master banjo player isn't the person who can pick the most notes.It's the person who can touch the most hearts." Patrick Costello |
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cpatch
Ahonui
USA
2187 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 7:24:34 PM
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1. Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
2. The dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
5. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
6. NASA is planning to launch a rocket containing several cows into low earth orbit to determine how weightlessness affects milk production? It will be the herd shot around the world.
7. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous movie actor. The other remained in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. Naturally, the second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.
8. A woman who had five babies was not charged for plane tickets to Los Angeles under the airline's free quint flier program.
9. Darth Vader: "Luke Skywalker, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke: "How do you know?" Vader: "I felt your presents."
10. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
11. A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
12. Mahatma Gandhi traveled barefoot, which resulted in the soles of his feet becoming thickened and quite hard. Being a spiritual person, he ate very little and often fasted, which resulted in him becoming quite thin and frail. Because he ate unusual foods, he also developed bad breath. That's why he became known as a super-callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
13. Two bassists were playing a concert featuring Beethoven's Ninth symphony. Knowing that their parts would not be needed until near the very end, they left the orchestra to have a few at the bar across the street. After quite a few beers, they started back. One of the bassists was worried that they might be late. "Not to worry," said his partner as they staggered back to the hall. "I took the precaution of tying the last few pages of the score together. By the time the conductor unties it, we'll be back in our seats and ready to play." Sure enough, the performers took their seats in the orchestra just as the conductor was struggling to open the bound pages of music. Some members of the audience began to notice his difficulty. "What's going on?" asked one woman. Her husband replied, "It's simple. It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
14. A guy by the name of Arthur (known around town as "Artie") was so down on his luck that he agreed to kill a husband and wife by asphyxiation for the ridiculous fee of fifty cents each. He was caught almost immediately and the newspaper headline the next day read, "Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar."
And if you're a fan of "Who's On First?" then you'll love this imaginary Hebrew lesson with Abbott and Costello:
http://www.jardmail.co.uk/puns/abbottcostello.shtml
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Craig
My goal is to be able to play as well as people think I can. |
Edited by - cpatch on 03/19/2010 7:43:20 PM |
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Hookani
Lokahi
232 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 7:29:07 PM
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| a sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center stated 'stay off the grass'. |
Ke Kani Nahe
YouTube
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cpatch
Ahonui
USA
2187 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 7:50:05 PM
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While we're at it, here's a great list of one-word "puns"...along the lines of Rich Hall's Snigglets. These came from a contest sponsored by the Washington Post where the rules were to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. |
Craig
My goal is to be able to play as well as people think I can. |
Edited by - cpatch on 03/19/2010 7:52:49 PM |
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FROPPE
Akahai
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 8:52:09 PM
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Have y'all heard of the new "hottest thing" in Hollywood?
It's the bulimia bachelor party, where the cake jumps out of the girl. |
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Hookani
Lokahi
232 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 9:20:00 PM
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People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.
I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak. |
Ke Kani Nahe
YouTube
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Edited by - Hookani on 03/19/2010 9:20:59 PM |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2010 : 01:56:27 AM
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| I have never seen such a collection of groaners. The worst (or maybe best???) is when Paul is going to say something, but he gets so tickled at himself he starts laughing and laughing even before he says what he was going to say. No matter if anyone else thinks its funny, he himself thinks so and he is his own best audience. He shoulda been Red Skelton. |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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rendesvous1840
Ha`aha`a
USA
1055 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2010 : 06:32:28 AM
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It runs in the family. We've had whole conversations built on puns from one persons comment about something. Brothers, cousins, Auntie Anne, Uncle Carl, no telling who would make the next pun.
Unko Paul |
"A master banjo player isn't the person who can pick the most notes.It's the person who can touch the most hearts." Patrick Costello |
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markwitz
`Olu`olu
USA
841 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2010 : 03:55:53 AM
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| Did you hear about the Hawaiian restaurant that decided to expand their business to include flower arrangements. Their new name is "Pois 'n Ivy" |
"The music of the Hawaiians, the most fascinating in the world, is still in my ears and
haunts me sleeping and waking."
Mark Twain |
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markwitz
`Olu`olu
USA
841 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2010 : 04:42:24 AM
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How does a Hawaiian Baritone singer laugh?
With a low ha. |
"The music of the Hawaiians, the most fascinating in the world, is still in my ears and
haunts me sleeping and waking."
Mark Twain |
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slipry1
Ha`aha`a
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2010 : 10:25:02 AM
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| An oldie: If Auntie Wanda had not married Unco Paul, but married Howard Hughes, divorced him and married Henry Kissenger, she'd be Wanda Hughes Kissenger now. |
keaka |
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wcerto
Ahonui
USA
5052 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2010 : 11:04:28 AM
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| I am laughing so hard, Jack. Until I am coughing and eyes watering. So funny -- all you guys. Keep it going. I am having great fun! |
Me ke aloha
Malama pono,
Wanda |
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FROPPE
Akahai
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2010 : 2:48:27 PM
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What's Irish and sits around your backyard all day?
Patty O'Furniture |
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I love Puns -- real groaners
